Barney the Seal

Sometimes, I like making stuff up. Had you known me during my freshman year of college, you could attest to this. If someone asked a question to which I did not know the answer, my response would be an elaborate fantasy I put together as I went along. Always, these untruths would be preposterous enough that you knew they were fake. But I like to think they were fun to listen to.

I don't do this nearly as much anymore. But sometimes, late at night, I weave stories of a character of my own invention, Barney the Seal.

Barney is a grown harp seal who lives at the top of a mountain, in some unknown place in the US. His house has a circular floor plan, a fireplace, and a leather arm chair, in which Barney sits and twiddles his fins. He wears a tie and nothing else. (He's a seal. What does he need clothes for?) What makes Barney unique among seals, besides his house, is his ability to answer any question you might ask him. Should you pronounce 'either' with an e or an i sound? Barney knows. Why do people continue living in Michigan when all they do from November through April is complain about how cold it is? Barney can tell you. What is love? What is time? What is space? Once you meet Barney, you'll have your answers.

Sometimes, Barney doesn't have time to answer your question or can't articulate a good response. In these cases, he'll refer you to his cousin Bartholomew, who lives at the top of another mountain in another place. How do you get there? You'll know. Oh, you'll know.

I don't know where Barney came from, or how well developed his story might become over time. I do think he'd fit well in a fantasy novel, especially a spoof fantasy novel. So if you plan to write him into one, please list me in your acknowledgments. That way, the Barney concept won't feel cheated.